Stumbling Into A Conversation About My Life

Okay so it is 11:24 AM...same day as the Mindfulness Post and my mood has shifted again. I am reading a New York Times article titled "How I was laid off - and learned to love life again: Losing It" by Dominique Browning. Her story is similar to mine as she also lost her job. And her journey during the ensuing months of unemployment speak to my own experience to date. Excerpts from her article:

• My addled brain interpreted the white noise of unemployment to mean that I was going into hibernation, that I had to lay in reserves.
• My nightmare had finally come true. For years, I had a profound dread of unemployment that went way beyond worrying about how to pay the bills.
• Work had become the scaffolding of my life. It was what I counted on. It held up the floor of my moods, kept the facade intact. I always worried that if I didn't have work, I would sink into abject torpor.
• Without work, who was I? I do not mean that my title defined me. What did define me was the simple act of working.
• The loss of my job triggered a cascade of self-doubt and depression. I felt like a failure.
• The demands of my job kept me distracted.
• With the closing of the magazine, my beloved family of colleagues was obliterated. And so the structure of my life.
• How had I managed to get this far in my life completely unprepared for the unknown-which I had always know was out there?
• After a few weeks of being unemployed, I began to settle into a routine - of getting up.
• I no longer had structured time....now everyday was Friday. Or Monday. Whatever.
• Time hangs heavily on the unemployed soul.
• I would feel busy, and then, when I was in bed again, realize I had done nothing.
• The pace of my life had become so slow that I was struggling to keep up with it.
• In this way, being unemployed is a lot like being depressed. You know how there are millions (O.K., a handful) of things you swear you would do if you only had time? Now that I had all the time in the world-except for the hours during which I was looking for work-to read, to write, watch birds, travel, play minor-key nocturnes, have lunch with friends, train a dog, get a dog, learn how to cook...[and] I had absolutely no energy for any of it...just thinking about them exhausted me.
  
• I had absolutely ZERO experience in filling weeks-what if it became years?-with activity of my own choosing.
• Being unemployed meant being unoccupied, literally.
• It was strange and maddening to be forcibly retired.
  
• What took years to create was about to be undone in a matter of minutes.
  
• Weather-the actual experience of it, not the forecast-is one of the more dramatic discoveries to come with a slower pace of life.
• ...my brain flipped a switch, and I went from sleeping all the time to being utterly lost in sleeplessness.
• ...fear-over and over again, the response to change, even to the miraculous, is fear. I was fighting fear. And what was I so afraid of? Being alone with myself long enough to wonder what is the purpose of my life?
• ..the Psalms "I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels."
• As I stop struggling so with fear and simply accept the slow tempo of my days, all those inner resources start kicking in-those soul-saving habits of playfulness, most of all: reading, thinking, listening, feeling my body move through the world, noticing the small beauty in every single day...these are moments of grace. Old Testament loving-kindness, the stuff of everyday life.
• I am growing into a new season...I begin to accept the relentless flux that is the condition of these days.
• I am not old and not young; not bethrothed and not alone; not broken and yet not quite whole; thinking back, looking forward. But present.
  
• I connect with something I may have once encountered as a teenager and then lost in the frantic skim through adulthood - the desire to nourish my soul. I do not have the temerity to think I have found God; I think instead that I have stumbled into a conversation that I pray will last the rest of my life.

I am not sure where this conversation of nourishing my soul will take me and the gremlin of fear is always present...but each day I commit to myself to choose growth and to manage my anxiety...

Mindfulness

It's 6:40AM on Saturday of Holy Week...and this feeling envelopes me...it is one of peace, contentment, wholeness. I am not sure why this space is available for me right now and in this moment, but I am grateful for it!

Two readings have provided the energy for this space. The first one is from a mother whose daughter suffered a seizure last November and has been in a coma from that fateful day. Her daughter's future is unknown and unknowable yet her faith is strong and full of hope.

"Today is a day of sobriety, of reflection. We remember the One who voluntarily chose to take on human flesh, to experience the indignities and pain of a broken world, and ultimately to bestow His life while suffering the most excruciating of deaths. Seven hundred years before His birth, the prophet Isaiah gives a poignant picture of the Messiah. He uses terms like “despised,” “rejected,” “a man of sorrows,” and “familiar with suffering” (Isa 53:3).

This past year has been a time of sorrow and suffering for our family. It was last year over Easter weekend that Tim’s father and Brenna’s grandfather suddenly passed away. These last four and a half months have been the most trying of our lives as we have watched our daughter’s life hang in the balance and still don’t know what her future holds.

Yet what a comfort is it to know that we can go to the One who can identify with our brokenness and grief, who has promised never to leave us or forsake us, and gives us a hope for the future. We know this life is not the end of our story. The absolute best this world has to offer can in no way compare to the most insignificant corner (if there can ever be such a thing) of our future home.

I stumbled across this quote by Michael Horton, professor of theology and apologetics at Westminster Seminary California, and it spoke to me:

We aren't morbid when we take sin, suffering, and death seriously as Christians. Rather, we can face these tough realities head-on because we know that they have been decisively confronted by our Captain. They have not lost their power to harm, but they have lost their power to destroy us. This biblical piety is not morbid because it doesn't end at the cross, but it also doesn't avoid it. It goes through the cross to the Resurrection. This is why the Christian gospel alone is capable of refuting both denial and despair. The hope of the gospel gives us the freedom to expose the wound of our human condition because it provides the cure.

We are looking forward to celebrating with you on Sunday the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior and the reason for the hope within us."

The second reading is from The Oprah Magazine...Oprah's interview with Thich Nhat Hanh. What stands out for me in this moment are the following responses to Oprah's questions:

• If you breathe in and are aware that you are alive-that you can touch the miracle of being alive-then that is a kind of enlightenment. Many people are alive but don't touch the miracle of being alive.
• With practice, we can always remain alive in the present moment. With mindfulness, you can establish yourself in the present in order to touch the wonders of life that are available in that moment.
• Happiness is the cessation of suffering....so when I become aware of my eyes. I touch one of the conditions of happiness. And when I touch it, happiness comes.
• You need the practice of mindfulness to bring your mind back to the body and establish yourself in the moment.
  
• Mindfulness helps you go home to the present. And every time you go there and recognize a condition of happiness that you have, happiness comes.
  
• So whether you are eating, drinking your tea, or doing your dishes, you do it in such a way that freedom, joy, happiness are possible...the art of mindful living
• As you walk, you touch the ground mindfully, and every step can bring you solidity and joy and freedom. Freedom from your regret concerning the past, and freedom from your fear about the future.
• People sacrifice the present for the future. But life is available only in the present.
• We practice mindful walking in order to heal ourselves, because walking like that really relieves our worries, the pressure, the tension in our body and in our mind.
• Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person....only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don't interrupt. You don't argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less.
• Deep listening helps us to recognize the existence of wrong perceptions in the other person and wrong perceptions in us.
• We should spend time walking together, eating together, making acquaintance, telling e2ch other about our own suffering without blame or condemnation.
• Anger is the energy that people use in order to act. But when you are angry, you are not lucid and you might do wrong things. That is why compassion is a better energy. And the energy of compassion is very strong. We suffer. That is real. But we have learned not to get angry and not to allow ourselves to be carried by anger. We realize right away that that is fear. That is corruption.
• People suffer because they are caught in their views.
• Suffering is the fear, the anger, the despair, the anxiety in us.
• So you recognize that fear. You embrace it tenderly and look deeply into it. And as you embrace your pain, you get relief and you find out how to handle that emotion. And if you know how to handle the fear, then you have enough insight in order to solve the problem. The problem is to not allow that anxiety to take over. When these feelings arise, you have to practice in order to use the energy of mindfulness to recognize them, embrace them, look deeply into them.
• Your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get relief. And if you continue with your practice of mindfulness, you understand the roots, the nature of the suffering, and you know the way to transform it.
• Happiness and suffering support each other. To be is to inter-be. It's like the left and the right. If the left is not there, the right cannot be there.
• You can only recognize your happiness against the background of suffering. If you have not suffered hunger, you do not appreciate having something to eat. If you have not gone through a war, yo don't know the value of peace. That is why we should not try to run away from one thing after another thing. Holding our suffering, looking deeply into it, we find a way to happiness.
• To be loved means to be recognized as existing.

Namaste - I bow to the right now!

I Have Work To Do

I came across some old notes from coaching sessions that I had with an amazing individual about 3 years ago. Reading through those notes, I am struck by how relevant the insights from those coaching sessions are today.

• Shift my filter from creating a life from a filter of responsibility TO creating a life from the filter of my desire and passion AND THEN figure out the how and the where.
• Discover "my juice" and it is NOT called survival.
  
• Write my great story from my authentic self (I have X in my life and it has been a great gift to me)...not my small story (I work at X) or my overcoming story (I overcame some significant tragedy in my life).
• Develop a capacity to CHOOSE help from others versus needing or feeling obligated to ask for help.

The bad news...I still have a lot of work to do and the good news...I still have a lot of work to do!

Doing "right"

There is a lot of noise in our national system about "what has gone wrong":
--with the economy...pick your story
--with public institutions - wire-taps without warrants, secret operations that Congress has little/no knowledge of, etc.
--with formal religious groups - Catholic church child abuse scandal, etc.
--with major American companies - GM, Chrysler, AIG...pick your company

And not enough about what continues to go right. I stumbled across one such institution that is doing "right" every day...the deCordova Museum, Sculpture Park and School in Lincoln Massachusetts.

The Sculpture Park encompasses 35 acres of beautiful rolling woodlands and lawns, is the largest park of its kind in New England, and is open to the public every day of the year from dawn 'til dusk. It contains up to 75 artworks at any given time. The school is the largest non-degree studio art program in Massachusetts and offers programs in painting, photography, drawing, calligraphy and book arts, ceramics, design, fiber and decorative arts, jewelry and silversmithing, printmaking, and sculpture.

What is amazing out this institution is the story behind this jewel in Lincoln, Massachusetts. The museum, park and school are located on the former estate of Julian deCordova (1851-1945). Self educated and a son of a Jamaican merchant, he built an successful business empire. He was passionate about travel and art and collected "everything that took [his] fancy in every country of the world." In particular, he collect visual art objects because he believed visual arts served as a "medium" for self-improvement and enlightenment. As his collection grew, he began to envision a place where art would continue to educate and excite others beyond his lifetime. To realize that dream, he gave his summer estate to the town of Lincoln in 1930 with the stipulation that his estate would become a public museum of art following his death.

What touches me most about his story...in his success and wealth, he gave back...he realized and then shared his passion through this gorgeous oasis of visual art (see my facebook page photos) and provided access to everyone for all time. This is capitalism and entrepreneurism (is that a word?) done right!

Yesterday I felt like I had the opportunity to "touch" his passion through my eyes, my ears, my fingers, and my feet...how cool is that! I will be back!

RSS Feeds

I have a small...no maybe medium pet peeve. I am regularly reading other blogger's posts and if they offer an option to follow them and I am interested, I am raring to sign up. The pet peeve....many bloggers bury the RSS feed button on their site! It reminds me of trying to program my DVD player! My simple suggestion....make the button large and visible and put the button at the top of your website! Your readers will be thrilled!

1st week of July

First full week of July...hard to imagine that 6 months of 2009 are gone. I am sitting at my desk as I write this. It is a glorious morning in New England - the sun is shining, cool breezes are wafting from the Charles River to my open window, and my husband and I are engaging in our favorite Sunday morning routine of coffee and the New York Times. I am struck by this moment's opportunity to enjoy with no agenda, no to-do list, and only muted worries.

Nameste

He's gone

A special man passed away last night after a long battle with cancer...a husband, a dad to two great kids and the beloved master of Riley, a son, a musician, and a work colleague were only a few of the important roles he played for over 50 years. It is hard to imagine that he is gone...really gone. He was such a large presence.....at work, at church, with friends and most of all with his wife and kids. He was a man of integrity, commitment, curiosity, and with a heart of music. It sounds trite to say "he will be missed" but HE WILL BE MISSED! ...he was too young, still had much to contribute, many more songs to play and....